Actually said in court...

[Scott]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

[F1fanaticBD]

 

I have a feeling this is compiled by a doctor with a certain bitterness about lawyers, I reckon he got sued, badly 

[Alianora La Canta]

Q. Anything else you like to do a lot?
A. Look out the window.

Q. Have you got a good view?

A. No.

Q. You just like to look out there?

A. Yeah.

Q. What can you see from your window?

A. The apartments in front of us.

Q. I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.

A. Not no more.

Q. How come?

A. The drug dealer moved away.

-----

Q. Did you ever see any roaches killed by natural gas.

A. I'm sure a lot of them did when it blew up.

Q. No, but I am talking about -
THE JUDGE: Did you see any mangled bodies of roaches?

A. Please repeat the question.

Q. Prior to the explosion, did you ever see any roaches that have been asphyxiated by the natural gas?

A. I wouldn't - I don't recall. I wouldn't know if a roach had died from gas.
THE JUDGE: A natural death, or -
PLAINTIFF'S ATTORNEY: No autopsies were done on the roaches.

Q. We don't have any further questions of this witness.

-----

defense counsel had just moved for continuance on the ground of absence of a defense witness.


Judge: Well, why don't we call the list of witnesses and see who's here? (The list was called and the supposedly "absent" witness answered "Present.")

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, I move for continuance on the grounds of surprise. He promised me he wouldn't be here.

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How long have you had your trailer?

A. Oh, I bought that trailer when I was opening up my Oklahoma operation.

Q. And you lived in that trailer up in Oklahoma?

A. I stayed in it when I was up there.

Q. How long did the job go in Oklahoma?

A. I don't know.

Q. Well, when did you arrive in Oklahoma?

A. Oh, I started opening that operation, I guess around October of '81.

Q. October of '81 to May. What is that, about six or seven months?

A. Oh, I don't know; about that.

Q. Well, how long was your trailer up there?

A. Thirty-three foot.

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Q. From your understanding of this lawsuit, is it about pipeline safety?

A. Not directly.

Q. Do sales of gas to consumers deal with safety considerations?

A. Yes.

Q. What is the relation between revenue and safety?

A. If you deliver gas in a three-ounce meter at 200 psi and you blow the house up, your revenue goes down.

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This exchange that took place during "a summary judgment hearing concerning negligent hiring and subsequent embezzlement"

Judge Schuble: Well, you hired a convicted criminal, didn't you?

Defendant Attorney: No, Your Honor. He was a shoplifter.

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Q. Were you in high school last year?

A. Yes.

Q. What are you doing now?

A. I’m sitting here in this chair.

-----

And a couple more pearlers

Q. The 24th of December — was that the day before Christmas?

Q. And how did you know the policeman wasn't a dog?

[Alianora La Canta]

Define drunk

From Judge Buddie J. Hahn, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 50, No. 11 — December 1987.

Q. On the day that Twine was shot, were you intoxicated?

A. I definitely was not.

Q. Had you been drinking that day?

A. I drank a few beers.

Q. How many beers did you drink?

A. About thirty (30).

Q. And you were not drunk?

A. No.

Q. What is your definition of drunk?

A. Drunk is when you fall down and you can’t get up.

[lkjohnson1950]

OMG!!   

[Scott]

 

(Ian doesn't find that funny  )

[Ian]

What are you implying Scott ?  It was funny.   

[F1fanaticBD]