Bad Quotes From Court Cases

[Alianora La Canta]

A fun one for all of you who thought they were technophobes. The below quotes all come from a case against Apple, allegedly about digital storefront terms of service. Now, please note everyone involved here is supposed to be a specialist in computer and IT-related law, with the possible exception of the judge. Also, quotes may not be in sequence and some may have additional notes by me:

Apple’s definition of a game:

- A beginning
- An end
- Challenges

Note by me: permission to categorise Antonio Giovanazzi's tyre stop (the one with the bad tyre still in its blanket) as a game?

Apple lawyer: “We have a large yellow banana here, in a tuxedo?”

Weissinger: “Yes, that’s Peeley."

Apple: [light paraphrase]: “And in the tuxedo he’s known as Agent Peeley."

(Me: If you know his name, why be coy about it, lawyer?)

Someone then said: “We gave the banana a suit because we’re in federal court...”

Apple lawyer: If someone were to say Fortnite Creative is "Barbie Fashion Designer for the Fortnite Universe, that person would be incorrect, true?”

Weissinger: “I’m not sure what goes on in Barbie Fashion Designer.”

“Fair enough.” Turns out lawyer doesn’t know either.

(Me: Research fail! While I assume Barbie Fashion Designer does what it says on the title, I wouldn't dare use it in court without checking!)

Also, 5 days in, nobody in the court has managed to come up with a convincing definition of a "game". I'm sure you can do better than that...

[Alianora La Canta]

Some more bad court case quotes:

Prosecution lawyer: "As a bail condition I propose the defendent not be allowed to enter the county of Suffolk."
Judge: "Are you aware that this court is in Ipswich?"
Prosecution lawyer: "Yes."
Judge: "Are you aware that Ipswich is in Suffolk?"
Prosecution lawyer: [pause] "Oh."

Judge: “You dislike [my client] so much that you called her a witch to the police, didn’t you?”
Witness: “I never!”
Judge: “Okay... let’s look at F145.”
Court Stenographer: “ That says ‘which’, [judge]....”

Lawyer: “But you were drunk, so might you have forgotten using the swear words?”
Defendent: “No, I would remember”
Lawyer: “Do you remember telling the policeman who arrested you that you loved him?”
Defendent: (Pause) “I do love the police”

Prosecutor: 'Do you consider yourself an honest and truthful person?'
Defendent: 'No.'

Prosecutor: [produces bright yellow crow bar]
Defendent: 'That’s not it, it was red...'

Judge: 'So why were you arrested?'
Defendent 'Because the police officer has a Vienetta against me'

Defending Lawyer: “Officer, you say you recognised my client at night, in the street, at a distance of 100m?”
Police Officer: “Yes sir.”
Defending Lawyer: “Officer, just how far can you see in the dark?”
Police Officer: “Well sir, some nights I can see the moon.”

Lawyer: "I put it to you you are lying."
Witness: "Yes, I am."
Lawyer: "Ehhh... ok."

Prosecutor: "You must have hit him as hard as you could, to break his jaw in three places?"
Defendent: "Not really.  I box for England."

Lawyer: “When did you first see the police?”
Witness: “Hammersmith Odeon, 1979.”

Barrister: 'And how did you estimate his speed at 100mph?'
Police Officer: 'Experience'
Barrister: [throws pencil across court] 'And how fast would you estimate the speed of the pencil?'
Police Officer: '... I have no experience of flying pencils.'

Lawyer: 'please ignore everything everyone has said, except for the independent witnesses and the CCTV.'
Judge at sentencing: '[Lawyer] was correct; I cannot trust anything the prosecution or defence witnesses say. They are entirely self-serving.'
(The lawyer's side won)

[lkjohnson1950]

 

[Dare]

A few of my favorites

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.

[Alianora La Canta]

A legal team's post room accidentally enclosed a biscuit with a letter to their opponents in a case.

The opponents posted the biscuit back with a note stating, "I think this is yours."