Warning! Long post alert!
As you all know, next year all the teams are getting standard ECUs. These will be created by MES (Microsoft Electronic Systems). I originally posted this joke in July last year at Home of F1, but I ran it past romephius this morning, and he still thinks it's funny:
I've been using computers since I was two and have had something of a love/hate relationship with the Microsoft empire. It seems that the more operating systems I upgrade, the less reliable the system. For instance, at the moment, I cannot persuade Windows XP to install my DirectX properly, which is preventing me from running any 3D program (except Sims 2, for some strange reason). Windows 98 (I have a dual-boot system) is refusing to allow me to use more than 16 colours. A bit irritating really...
As for the F1 ECU issue, I can imagine a situation rather like the following brewing up:
A crowded steward's office, post-race investigation, Bahrain 2008:
Tony Scott-Andrews: Good afternoon, gentlemen. You have been summoned to the stewards' investigation because of a number of incidents in today's Grand Prix.
Driver 1 (D1): Yes - I think the 8-car collision at the first corner was very disappointing...
Driver 2 (D2): I wouldn't know - my ECU wouldn't boot up and I couldn't start!
Driver 3 (D3): So that's why I ran into the back of D2!
Tony: D2, the FIA does not have conclusive evidence that your ECU was malfunctioning. You are
hereby fined $5000 for causing the accident on the grid...
D2: Unfair! The steering wheel display plainly said "ECU Error #54320 - cannot boot up".
Tony: D2, another $5000 fine is clearly in order. I can conclusively prove that ECU error #54320 does not exist. It's in the Microsoft Knowledge Database...
D2: Everyone knows that ECU errors always trigger a Blue Screen of Death, and my visor went blue when the ECU didn't boot up...
D3: Possibly because I accidentally flipped your car upside down when I hit you...
Tony: “Server connection timed out”... Oh no! The Internet connection's failed - I can't prove to you that D2's ECU engine was a fabrication. Nonetheless, the judgement stands. As to the 8-car incident, we have video evidence that D1 hit D4, thus triggering the incident...
D1: With all due respect, my ECU also malfunctioned. Unfortunately, this meant I had a regrettable loss of traction at a critical moment.
Tony: Let's be sensible here. It has been scientifically proven by an independent assessment that Windows Vista Engine Control Unit Edition Service Pack 1.5 Beta 2 is 100% more reliable than any previous operating system. Therefore D1 is talking nonsense and must be fined $5000 for doing so.
Driver 4 (D4): Spare me the marketing spiel, Tony - I *know* my ECU refused to load up the drivers for my engine, restricting me to the standard 16 rpm.
D1: How did you get to be fast enough to pass me in the run-up to the first corner then?
D4: I tried to turn off my ECU in frustration. It wouldn't shut down, but for no reason whatsoever, it went up to 256 rpm, so I could actually do something useful. It should have been capable of 25000 revs, but given the situation I was in before, I'll not complain too much.
Driver 5 (D5): [feeling belligerant] Useful? For getting in my way into Turn 1, eh?
Tony: D4, if your car was able to move with 256 revs, you were clearly in breach of Article 241 of the Sporting Regulations and must be disqualified - along with your team-mate, D2.
D2: What?!? I'm already out of the race due to your stupid ECU - why do this to me?
Tony: Because obviously Microsoft hasn't signed your drivers. And another $5000 fine for calling the ECU regulations "stupid" in the hearing of a steward.
D2/D4 Team Boss (TB 1): How exactly are you meant to do that, Tony?
Tony: Easy. You need to go to the inpenetrable complex in Redmond and negotiate the entire security in the one-hour open session they hold on Friday afternoons after technical support shuts down, and get one of the staff to autograph the CD your drivers are installed from.
D5: Alternatively, you could exploit the backdoor security loophole to get the digital signature "signed" by a technical staffer and thus recognised as compatible software. If my younger brother can do it, anyone can.
Tony: Actually, you can't - it's piracy of someone else's digital signature. You, your team-mate and your team are fined $50000 each for using illegal software. Plus you are all disqualified for cheating and putting the sport into disrepute.
D2: It doesn't say anything about that in the regulations, Tony!
Tony: Yes it does. D2, you are fined another $5000 for contradicting me. In any case, D1's ECU failure plainly could not have happened, so he should receive a one-race suspended ban. I'm feeling generous though, and will convert it into a $200000 fine.
D1: But I don't have $200000 - I'm a pay driver! The sponsors will never pay out for this - my career is ruined. [Exits the office, sulking]
Tony: Tough. Now that blame has been apportioned for the first-corner incident, let's move on to Driver 6. Why did you ignore the black flag for 60 laps?
Driver 6 (D6): My ECU automatically locked up all the wheels after lap 2. It was really annoying and the wheel-rims got rather worn, but by constantly rebooting the ECU, I got it to run round the corners - albeit with the subtle problem that I couldn't get the car into the pitlane due to an "IRQ conflict error".
Driver 7 (D7): With the obvious problem that it forced me to crash into D6 three times due to his unpredictable behaviour.
D6: I think it was four, actually...
Driver 8 (D8): No D6, the last time round was me. I know I'm his team-mate, but you should have recognised my crashing style by now - this is the third race in a row I've hit your car. I'm very sorry and will try not to do it again.
Tony: This is a known characteristic of Windows Vista Engine Control Unit Edition Service Pack 1.5 Beta 2 and therefore nothing to be concerned about. D7 and D8 are to blame, and will receive a half-million dollar fine each. D8 will be excluded from future F1 races for his collision-prone behaviour.
D2: That's not fair - D1 only got fined $5000 for taking my team-mate and seven other people out of the race. At least D7 and D8 only took themselves and D6 out of the race between them!
Tony: D2, you have a penchant for talking irrelevancies. Another $5000 for arguing with a steward without due cause. Now please shut up or you'll have to be taken to the World Motorsport Council to explain your behaviour.
Driver 9 (D9): I want my team to be compensated for the fact that my car and my team-mate's car were malfunctioning. Before either of us were allowed to change gear, it came up with an "Are You Sure?" message...
Driver 10 (D10): Is that what it said? I couldn't tell.
D9: Yes, and it really messed up our races.
D10: Especially me, as it came out with a strange languague - I think it was Middle German. When I asked for messages to be given in Modern German - or modern anything for that matter, it prompted me for the "Original Windows Vista DVD".
Tony: Why didn't either of you simply follow the instructions?
D10: Microsoft wouldn't let us have the original DVD! Apparently we were only entitled to the OEM version because we hadn't taken out the ultra-expensive business licensing offer.
D9: And when I hit OK, the program just put up the same dialogue box again and again.
Tony: You obviously hit the wrong button, D9...
D9: [clearly angry] It only offered one button - OK! What choice did I have?
Tony: If you had any doubts over the car's functionality, you should have called into the pits and retired your car. As it stands, both D9 and D10 were extremely slow mobile chicanes and are disqualified for bringing the sport into disrepute. You also need to send your error reports to Microsoft so that your errors can be corrected.
D2: But there's no Internet access - you said it yourself!
Tony: Another $5000 fine for arguing. And besides... [hitting a few random buttons] ...it does work now! I'm downloading the data on ECU Error #54320 now. D2, that's...
D2: ...$5000 for notifying you that you were unfair to ask D9 and D10 to do an impossible thing.
Tony: Also a date with the World Motorsport Council next Tuesday. Don't forget that.
D2: A date? There'll be nobody attractive there...
Driver 11 (D11): Shut up, D2! I want to know why my car crashed.
Tony: Obvious. You hit the pit-lane wall. A rookie would be embarassed to have hit the wall halfway down the start/finish straight opposite your team's garage, though!
Driver 12 (D12): Well he wasn't the only one - my car did the same trick two laps later. The ECU just plain froze.
Tony: Since it is impossible to get enough dry ice onto the ECU to reduce it below its minimum operating temperature of 10 degrees, freezing an ECU is plainly impossible...
TB 1: If you can freeze an engine for three years when its minimum operating temperature is over 100 degress, I think it is possible to freeze an ECU.
Tony: It has been scientifically proven that an ECU cannot be frozen in the middle of a race. D11 and D12, you have obviously broken Article 23 Section Z of the Technical Regulations, and will be disqualified. Your teams will be fined $500000 each. And don't argue with me D2, or you'll get a fine you'll never be able to repay!
Driver 13 (D13): Unfair!
Tony: D13, you are fined $10000 for arguing with me. D2's example is plainly not making an impression on you argumentative lot. Besides, the ECUs aren't frozen, they're standardised. There's a big difference.
Driver 13: Six letters, in fact!
Tony: D13, you are fined $10000 for being cheeky in a steward's office.
D2: Well, Tony Scott-Andrews should have been fined that for all the irrelevant fines he's demanding off everyone.
Tony: All my fines are relevant. D2, since you are being more intractable than everyone else, you're getting a million-dollar fine for blatant cheekiness. Plus you're banned from the Microsoft tech support - if this is how you treat stewards, I'd hate to imagine how much you'd annoy the tech staff.
D5/D6 Team Boss (TB 2): He won't miss the tech support much. I can't get through the switchboard and tacky music.
Tony: TB 2, you are getting a $10000 fine for calling the switchboard music "tacky" in a steward's office. Personally, I find it rather soothing after a stressful afternoon's work...
D14: Besides, my optional Microsoft steering wheel refused to accept any input after lap 32!
Tony: Don't be silly, D14. An independent beta test proved that Microsoft steering wheels never have faults.
TB 1: Independent beta test? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Tony: Yes it is, but don't tell anyone or you'll get fined.
TB 1: At least you're consistent about fining everyone who argues with you, Tony.
D14: I still don't understand how my steering wheel not accepting input after lap 32 is compatible with the beta test's conclusions.
Tony: That's because you wasn't listening.
D14: Even though it said "Bad command or file name" after pressing any button whatsoever?
Tony: Then you didn't hit the buttons hard enough. You are fined $10000 for forcing the Safety Car to come out on lap 33 without due cause.
D14: Maybe I should have hit it with the on-board fire extinguisher...
Tony: It is entirely possible to press the buttons on the Microsoft steering wheel without recourse to external devices.
Driver 15 (D15): I want to know why my ECU kept demanding I install DirectX 13 onto my ECU. I know you can't do it...
Tony: At last, a sensible one! You're quite right, using DirectX 13 is contary to Article 242 of the Sporting Regulations: "No version of DirectX 13 may be stored in or introduced into Vista Engine Control Unit Edition Service Pack 1.5 Beta 2, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, teleporting, moaning or otherwise) between the aforementioned operating system and any other software, for any purpose, without the express written permission of Microsoft Corporation and the FIA.
D2: That's because DirectX 13 is the first version of DirectX to work reliably with Windows Vista Engine Control Unit Edition, I suppose...
Tony: D2, it is unfair of you to say that. DirectX 1 works just fine with Windows Vista Engine Control Unit Service Pack 1.5 Beta 2. You will receive a $100000 fine for dissent.
D2: I suppose that's because the FIA were so keen on their cost-saving initiatives that they opted to go for the cheapest licensing option.
Tony: That is completely false. D2, another $100000 fine for talking rubbish.
TB 2: So my team were acting in contravention of Article 242 when we accidentally clicked "OK" to the dialog box during the race?
Tony: Yes. Your team is hereby excluded from the FIA F1 World Championship, and you will pay a million dollars in fines.
D6: But I only wanted to reboot my ECU!
TB 2: Ah. You may have fallen for the Annoying Dialog Trojan. It exploits a hole in Vista's security and automatically activates when you click on any "OK" button. I think all the teams fell for it when they had to reboot the ECUs after the first pitstops around lap 12...
D15: [brightly] Except me - my team swapped ECUs after all three of my pitstops to ensure this wasn't necessary.
TB 1: Why didn't your team-mate?
D15: He went out on the second corner when his ECU decided to start a scheduled defragmentation of its hard drive. He couldn't cancel it and had to retire. I believe the defrag is due to finish in two days' time, at which point we can retrieve the car.
Tony: D15, your ECU was meant to last nine races. You will therefore have a 30-place grid penalty for the next eight races. Added to the gearbox and engine change you needed after D2 crashed into you in Friday practise, you will need to start from Singapore when we go to the next race in Malaysia.
D2: That's not fair! My Office Assistant popped up at an awkward moment and claimed it thought I was typing a letter!
D3: [amused] What were you doing, D2? I thought there must be some reason you were at the bottom of the timesheets all Friday...
D2: I was trying to select the lowest engine power setting to make sure it made it through the next nine races! I am really unhappy with this and demand a full investigation by the Court of Arbitration in Lausanne.
Tony: You know the FIA Court of Appeal is fully independent. You will have a $3m fine for this - one because you slighted the FIA court, one for unfairly accusing the Office Assistant of getting in the way when there is no Office integrated into the ECU (thanks to the EU Competition Bureau) and one because you obviously do not understand that the FIA is meant to control everything.
D2: What do you mean, Tony? Office came up on the list of options when my team was programming the ECU!
Tony: Then you must have got a pirated American version. You are fined $10m and will spend five years in prison, subject to the whim of the law courts.
D2: You just never listen to anyone, do you? It was preinstalled on the ECUs our team was given...
Tony: Please shut up, D2, before you get another fine. Anyway, since every finisher except D15 breached Article 242, D15 is hereby declared the winner of the 2008 Bahrain GP. All other finishers are disqualified.
D15: [jumping up and down] Yippee! I never thought our team would score a point all season, and now this! Yippee!
TB 1: [putting fingers in his ears to block D15's celebrations] Wait a minute. The teams never permitted Article 242 to go through - Max steamrollered it through against our protests.
Tony: Irrelevant. TB 1, you have a $20000 fine for arguing with me.
TB 1: Hold on a moment. You don't look quite right - the glasses aren't your style...
D2: A-ha! I get it! You're not Tony Scott-Andrews at all - you're Bill Gates!
Tony: That is a lie, D2. You receives a $25m fine for being so insulting.
[Outlook Express beeps. Tony has received an e-mail. He opens it. D2 leans over Tony's shoulder and reads the e-mail out loud.]
D2: "Dear Bill Gates, your plan to take over the world's automobiles is about to become a complete success. All the teams' hire cars and minibuses are downloading Windows Vista Electronic Control Unit Edition at this moment, and it will spread virus-style across the world."
This is disgusting, Bill!
Tony/Bill Gates: D2, a $50m fine for...
D2: I don't care! You can't fine me now! You're not a real member of the FIA! I'm getting the police to arrest you for your computer crimes! [Loud cheering from the drivers and team bosses]
TB 1: Besides, it says in the regulations that we are meant to get *Engine* Control Unit Edition. Therefore you have broken the Sporting Regulations and must be excluded until Article 243: "Suppliers, teams, drivers and other participants in F1 are all suspectible to punishment for breaching Regulations as set out in those Regulations, including those relating to dodgy supplies (Michelin take note)".
D1: [returning to the room to appeal his fine] And you're just trying to get as much money as possible out of us so that you can pay for the retirement fund of you and your cronies!
D4: If I were you, Mr. Gates, I'd run.
D15: [attempting to do cartwheels in the steward's office] Yippee! Yippeee! Sorry I landed on your toes, Bill!
[Bill Gates hops out of the steward's office holding his sore foot, chased by all the drivers and team bosses.]
The Real Tony Scott-Andrews [Real Tony]: [walking into the steward's office] Have I missed anything?
D2: [about to leave the steward's office] Bill Gates has given the drivers loads of fines...
Real Tony: ...which are no longer valid, as he is not a steward...
D2: ...and he's given that ****** useless D15 the race win because everyone's ****** useless ECU malfunctioned!
Real Tony: On second thoughts, D2, you have just earned yourself a $5000 fine for swearing at a steward.
D2: Not again...
The FIA quietly sweeps the whole affair under the carpet, but appoints Red Hat Linux to be the ECU supplier from now on. D15 gets to keep his Bahrain win, and eventually becomes a popular world champion.]
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