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Author Topic: Crooked Sense of Direction  (Read 656 times)

Offline Alianora La Canta

Crooked Sense of Direction
« on: January 07, 2013, 06:45:00 PM »
Sorry for my absence for the past while*. To try to make up for it, here's a joke for New Year.

Let's imagine a scenario. Say you're the leader of a bunch of amateur criminals. You want to get rich without putting in any actual work and don't care who you upset. So what do you do? Arrange a jewellery shop heist. So far, so not funny.

So you need to break in somehow. Striking glass with things usually works. Rocks? Rejected. Blunt weapons like hammers? Not for this criminal. He and his accomplice threw... ...spark plugs. OK, spark plugs are somewhat sharp, but they've got no weight to them (I routinely carry 200 of them in a box at a time, and I'm not exactly a bodybuilder).

You won't be surprised that this attempt failed. So a better plan is needed. How about... ...sneaking in through the back door like ninjas? Well, they might have been more successful if they hadn't got lost.

The "back door of the jewellery shop" turned out to be the front door of the local animal welfare shop. A shop. That presumably had signs around it saying something like "Shop". And windows looking into welfare shop things. Even in this recession, jewellery shops tend still to sell jewellery rather than bric-a-brac and books!

Did this dissuade the would-be criminal leader from a life of crime? Nope. Did it convince him to at least attempt an easier target? Nope. I guess successfully stealing a charity box (this bloke's ethics are at the same level as his competence and sense of direction) gave him a false sense of confidence. Attempt #3 involved breaking through a block of toilets, hoping to break into the back of the jewellery store with a crowbar (even these stupid people had concluded you can't break through a concrete wall with spark plugs). Presumably these crooks have no sense of smell, because they actually broke into...
...the local KFC!

It's a tad difficult to do this and then order six chicken wings and a share-size cola, so they held up the eatery instead. Astonishingly, they succeeded and stole $1700 dollars... ...but didn't get away for long.

Congratulations! You have imagined the recent life of Peter Welsh, possibly the most incompetent crook of 2013 so far. You will be relieved to know that the law has caught up with this fool and equally foolish accomplice Dwayne Doolan, and that they spent last Friday in court.

Now, imagine you are the magistrate at Southport, and that you must keep a straight face throughout proceedings**.

* - My internet connection has been a bit glitchy. Sometimes I've been able to read things without being able to post and sometimes I've not even been able to read. This definitely isn't a GPWizard problem because I'm having it with quite a lot of other sites (Twitter's the only one working reliably at the moment).

** - Convictions have not been passed, though since the world's dumbest criminals pleaded guilty and gave "full and frank admissions", that's likely to be a formality. Let's face it, nobody claims to have been this rubbish at staging a heist if they were innocent...

Percussus resurgio
@lacanta (Twitter) (Blog/Tumblr)


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