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Author Topic: One liners  (Read 1415 times)

Offline Monty

One liners
« on: July 31, 2018, 04:48:17 PM »
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.”
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief."
“A female friend of mine wanted to do a show about feminism. But her husband wouldn’t let her.”
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”
“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”  “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.”
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”
“I’m single. By choice. Her choice. No it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.”
"it all starts so innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.”
“What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed”
“Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.”
“I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.”
“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.”
“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.”



Offline lkjohnson1950

Re: One liners
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2018, 05:43:09 PM »
Groan... :DD :DD
Lonny

 


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