jokes!!

[mussonhead]

anyone know any funny jokes that i can tell in the pub so ppl will think im really funny 
ive got 1;

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

[Wizzo]

A little boy was lost at in the supermarket. He went up to the security guard and said "I've lost my dad." The security guard asked him "What's he like?" and the little boy replied "Beer, and women with big boobs." 

[mussonhead]

thats old but still funny 

[mussonhead]

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.   
 

[Wizzo]

Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.

Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.

The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"

His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"

Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"