All Groaners Here...

[Scott]

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[Scott]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

[Scott]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other one will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[John S]

Q, What do you call dog with no legs?

A, Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

[John S]

Q,  Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense?   

A,  I'll tel U l8r.

[John S]

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? -Ok you two, don't start anything.

[Jericoke]

Why do businessmen carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.

[cosworth151]

Q, What do you call dog with no legs?

A, Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

I knew a fellow that had a dog with no legs. He named him Cigarette. Every evening, he'd take him out for a drag.

[Wizzo]

OK here goes (he says cracking his knuckles)

Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.


 Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.


 A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".


The worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Dare]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

[John S]

 
 What cheese is made backwards ? .....  Edam

 How do you stop a cold getting to your chest ? ..... Tie a knot in your neck !

 Why do idiots eat biscuits? .....  Because they're crackers !

 What soldiers smell of salt and pepper ? ..... Seasoned troopers !

 Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race ?
                ..... He was asking for directions ! 

[Ian]

Why did the chicken cross the road.....To get to the other side

[cosworth151]

Why did the chicken go halfway across the road?

She wanted to lay it on the line.

[John S]

Why did the blonde cross the road?

I don’t know, and neither does she.

[Scott]

Why was the fox on the other side of the road?

Waiting for the chickens.