Anyone for a one liner??

[David]

Anyone fancy posting a few one liners??


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

What’s the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk

[Dare]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice



 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


Too many Idiots, not enough villages

[cosworth151]

A woman ran up to a garbage truck carrying a sack of rubbish. "Am I too late for the trash?' The driver replied, "No, hop in!"

[David]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

   

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

[cosworth151]

Clem: I had a huntin' dog that didn't have a nose.

Zeke: Really? How did he smell?

Clem: Just awful!

[John S]

 
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?    - Damn


of work there is a right way, wrong way and the railway...... (sorry Ian)


Don't Steal.......The Government hates Competition.


Why did the gum cross the road?  - Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!


What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?   - Your wife will always blow your bonus!


Knock Knock!  Who's there? -  Woo. -  Woo, who?  -  Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.


DRIVE LIKE HELL......  - YOU'LL SURELY GET THERE!


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.


Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!


I love cats.......they taste just like chicken.

[Ian]

A dog is not just for Christmas.....Save some for Boxing Day

[Ian]

Hehe, your right about the railway though John.

[Andy B]

I bought a brand new 42 inch LCD tv for $1 yesterday it was cheap due the volume being stuck on full.
I couldn't turn it down!!

[Ian]

How do you make a cat go woof ?

Pour petrol on it and throw it in the fire.

[David]

What turn from green to red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

[Scott]

I don't know what to do, I keep taking my wife out...but she keeps finding her way home!

[David]

Couple of mucky ones.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard

What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."

[Ian]

         I loved the last one David.     

[Dare]

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice


thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience


If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong