F1 Press Release quotes

[Wizzo]

You've had two weekends without a grand prix so here is a handy dictionary to remind you what all those Press Release quotes really mean:

"We have no plans to change any of our drivers in the near future."
Means: "We plan to change one of our drivers on Monday after the race."

"The car retired with an electrical failure."
Means: "The engine seized, threw a piston and con rod through the side of the block where it cut through the electrical wiring loom, causing an electrical failure."*

"We do not know what fuel loads the other teams were running in qualifying."
Means: "We are in deep trouble because we are slower than the others, but actually it's worse than that because we are much, much slower than them, as they have enough fuel to run ten laps more than us at the start of the race."

"But the car has very good pace in race trim, so we should be okay for the race."
Means: "Our car is just plain slow, but if we are stuck in the middle of the pack with no chance of overtaking, we can claim we had a competitive car and no one will know we are lying."

"We knew our car would struggle on this type of circuit."
Means: "Our car would struggle on any type of circuit made up of a tarmac road surface laid out with straights and corners."

"I have a very good relationship with my team-mate."
Means: "I am comfortably quicker than my team-mate."

"I have a good working relationship with my team-mate."
Means: "I hate my team-mate. I call him my 'team-hate.' He can't even remember the names of his mechanics, he does hardly any testing, and yet he just turns up and drives the car and is quicker than me. He also has a much prettier girlfriend."

"A difficult first day of practice which saw us struggle to find the right balance on the car. We still need to complete our tyre comparison programme."
Means: "The car is a complete pig and the only balance I'm ever likely to find is the one in my bank account. As for the tyre choice, we'll toss a coin in the hotel bar tonight to decide which one to use."

"Next year, we should be able to challenge for race wins on a regular basis."
Means: "We said exactly the same thing last year, but hope no one will notice that we are repeating ourselves."

[cosworth151]

Spot on, Wizard!

Do you think BabelFish will offer an "F1 to English" feature any time soon?

[romephius]

Very entertaining there Wiz.......nicely done......as always.....

Rom

[The Stig]

Only Flavio tells it how it is!........The rest of us need this dictionary to remind us of what they really mean.
Great stuff.
Stig.

[johnbull]

Here's a good bit of fun.

Can anybody put names to those famous quotes?

I know most of them are the standard excuse used by all.

[Alianora La Canta]

Actually, that's the Red Bull press release, so presumably all of these quotes could be attributed to them in some sense... ...though the first one could only been inspired by sister team Toro Rosso!

How about some more? These are the progress report quotes:

"We're making progress" - We're racing backwards down the grid
"The next car will be x seconds faster" - It won't yield any improvement in places
"The next car will get us x places further up the grid" - It won't be any faster and we'll simply put the difference down to rivals improving
"The next car will get us into the midfield" - We've forgotten what the midfield looks like
"The next car will get us into the top 10" - Top 10 wastes of time, that is...

[raindancer]

Great Alianora.