US becomes British Crown Dependency

[Steven Roy]

Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America : In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
 
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
 
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
 
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
 
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.  Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
 
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
 
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of  British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
 
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 
God save the Queen.

[Ian]

He he he. 

[Chameleon]

I first saw Mr Cleese's amusing suggestion as an addendum to a comment on a blog post I did some time back.  To even things up a bit, here is what I wrote:

The 51st State
06/09/2005

I have maintained for some time that England should petition America to be the 51st State. There are benefits that would accrue to both sides if this were to happen but note first that I said "England", not Britain or the United Kingdom. Scotland and Wales have been straining to get away from the Union for some time; this is one Englishman who has had enough and says, "Let 'em go."

Consider the advantages that both England and America could gain by such an assimilation. England would no longer be subject to the failed dream of becoming an equal partner in a mystical "United States of Europe". No more would she have to struggle under the ludicrous diktats of Brussels or suffer the ignominy of her interests being disregarded while the French and Germans tussle over which nation will be "head honcho" in Europe.

Language would no longer be a problem since England shares a common tongue with the States. There would be a minor difficulty with spelling at first but, since both education systems seem to deem it of no importance, this would hardly be a stumbling block. With English being the lingua franca of the internet, a union between two major Anglo Saxon nations would also make sense and strengthen the language's claim to be the Latin of the modern world.

The English might have to learn to call petrol "gasoline" but the pain of that should be greatly eased by the adoption of American gas prices. In the middle of an oil supply crisis, gas now costs an average of just over $3.00 per gallon in the States. That's about £1.60, folks; from my latest information, it seems that the price at the pumps in Britain is currently above £5.00 per gallon. Need I say more?

Note, too, that I have used the old measure, the gallon. Guess what, countrymen - it's still used over here in the States! Forget those meaningless litres and kilos and return to sensible measures. For the young ones who have been indoctrinated into the metric system, let me explain how sensible is the old way to measure. An inch is approximately the length of the last digit of your thumb (let's call it a rule of thumb), a foot is exactly that, about the length of an average male foot, and a yard is what you're going to have to learn to call your garden.

But it's not only with gas prices that I can entice my countrymen into the fold; just about anything you can think of costs less in America. Think of it - computers, cars, washing machines, and especially steak, costing around half of what they squeeze from you over there. From a financial point of view alone, it makes perfect sense to join the States rather than Europe.

The benefits do not flow only one way; there are plenty of advantages to be had from such a union by the Americans too. Consider how the Royal family is adored in the States. With a stroke of the pen they could become an icon alongside Uncle Sam. Oh, there would be no problem with jurisdiction; the Brits have long ago stripped them of all power and they could continue in their present function, providing the pomp and ceremony of our quaint little island nation. Perhaps an arrangement could be made whereby some of them visit continental America and wave to the crowd on regular occasions.

There is the dying aristocracy to be considered, too. By allowing the monarchy to continue in a titular role, you also permit the possibility of titles being handed out beyond England's shores, and so we might have Duke Duke Ellington, Earl Earl Pomeroy and Baron le Baron. I think I'd draw the line at Prince Prince, however.

Of course, a major attraction for the Americans in my suggestion is the wealth of history they'd be buying into. After all, many Americans have their ancestral roots in England and this would be an opportunity to own that history as never before. Tourism would be made so much easier as well, no passports being required, and the journey being of no more consequence than driving from Minnesota to Michigan. Prices would be more akin to what the Americans are used to and so tipping would cease to be the extortionate chore it is now if you stick to the 15% norm (and the English would be happy too, since they are lucky to be tipped at all at present and then only at the rate of 10%).

There are strategic matters to look at too. With union would come the opportunity to have a solid military base on the other side of the Atlantic, easily defensible since the Channel still forms a major obstacle to any possible invasion. England has small but highly professional armed forces that would add a feather in the cap of America's military.

Think of it as your grandmother coming to live with you when she's too old and feeble to run her own household anymore. She may be a bit crotchety and eccentric but she provides free baby-sitting services and occasional light kitchen help. You might have to suffer endless tales of how things used to be but, with a bit of luck, there'll be the odd gem of wisdom mixed in too. And besides, it's so much better than packing her off to spend her last days in a nursing home.

You know it makes sense. Already forward-looking people are bowing to the inevitable and placing their bets. Our good friend, Bill Gates, invests huge sums in Cambridge University every year. He knows which way the wind is blowing, obviously.

You might think I make this suggestion in jest and, to some extent, you'd be right. I know there's no chance of it ever happening. But, in an ideal world, it would be the most sensible way to go. And I have increased its chances of being considered by putting the idea in your head. Now run with it!

[Ian]

It's got my vote Cham, I will NEVER class myself as European, I am English and will stay that way, stuff the litre, givus a pint. 

[Wizzo]

English = First

British = Second

European = NEVER!

[Steven Roy]

You do know that a US gallon is a lot less than a proper gallon.

[cosworth151]

Since it looks like you, too, will soon be a country without a GP, it might just work out. We would have to do something about Wimpy, though. No American would put up with putting creamy avocado on a hamburger. Except maybe in SoCal.

Remember, y'all would have to learn to drive on the right side of the road, listen to country music and get a framed portrait on black velvet of your choice of 1. John Wayne, 2. Elvis Presley of 3. Jesus.

[Ian]

Sorry Cham, Cos has just changed my mind for me. 

[Chameleon]

Does Wimpy still exist?  I would have thought that McDonalds sent it packing years ago.

The matter of which side of the road to drive is a major stumbling block, I'll grant you.  We could probably get around it by keeping the English system just for England, explaining to the Americans that it was a necessary part of our attraction as a quaint, old fashioned tourist destination.  Country music is easy - we could just get Cliff to release a few CDs in the genre and all the ladies would lap it up.

And the black velvet picture is no problem at all.  A large portrait of John Wayne is infinitely preferable to the usual badly-drawn leopard, tiger or half naked dolly bird leaping from the undergrowth.

Yes, Steven, I was aware that the US gallon is slightly different from the imperial measure.  It seemed unnecessarily complicated to start going into such details at the time, however. 

[Alianora La Canta]

I've never eaten in a Wimpy before (though they certainly still exist), but the local Burger King got sent packing last year... ...by a pizza takeaway shop.

[Ian]

A cardboard slice has more taste than a McDonalds.

[cosworth151]

By the way, the velvet painting of your choice must be in a stamped, gold anodized metal frame with a little light hanging down from the top.

The other day, I heard a news item about art prints in the US. A survey showed that the print most likely to be found in a US home is Van Gogh's Starry Night, followed closely by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's Poker Playing Dogs.